afabulouskilljoy | Yeerk Aftermath

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Yeerk Aftermath

Poison sits in the window seat in his and Jack's room. He knows he shouldn't be such a recluse but ever since he came back to himself he's felt... awful. For a lot of reasons.

First of all, there's a dead slug-thing in his head. What the fuck is that going to do to him? Jack says nothing will happen, says his body might even absorb it or something, but the whole idea of it freaks him the fuck out and he's praying to whatever deities he knows that he can just forget that it's in there. Secondly, he knows what he's done. Even if the Yeerk was in the driver's seat, Poison felt like he'd been tied up and gagged in the back, watching it all and unable to get out. Only a few times had he been able to break through, and even then not all the way. But he managed to keep the fucking slug from making him say anything too awful, and he'd managed to keep it from attacking Jack or Girl when they figured it out, when they locked him in the bedroom.

Thirdly, he's having flashbacks of the way he used to be, before he was out in the desert, after the war and before the rise of the Party Poison, when he'd taken the pills and listened to the messages and tried to get along. He pushes his hair back and leans back against the window frame, shivering.

He knows he can leave the room now, knows that the door isn't locked and that Jack and Girl aren't guarding him. But he can't bring himself to move. What if this is an illusion? What if it's fake? What if the yeerk is still alive and pretending to be dead to get out and do fuck knows what?

Nope, he's just going to sit here in his sheep pajamas and Jack's hoodie for a while. Or forever.

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"Awesome job," he deadpans, lolling his head to the window again. "A-plus effort there, Superman. I even fucking talked to you. Where the hell was the intervention then? Jack and Girl figured it out and locked my ass in here, and now this thing is fucking dead. Inside me."

"I'm sorry." My voice came out barely a breath. If I were Rachel, I might have railed against him, told him it wasn't my fault, I was only one person. If I were Marco, I might have laughed bitterly and agreed with him. If I were Jake, I might have looked at him sharply and told him there was only so much I could've done, out there, surrounded by the other Controllers.

But I was me. And all I could do was whisper that I was sorry, hug myself, and feel awful that I'd let this happen.

"It's not your fault," he says quietly. He wants to be angry and bitter, but he can't be. Not at Cassie. Poison rubs his hair, clutches it for a second to feel the tension against his scalp.

"Is there any way to get it out?"

"It— I don't know. I don't think so." It should have left on its own, but it hadn't. I had no way of knowing why. Maybe if I'd been here, I could have convinced it to leave Poison. I could have told it I would bring it to the Yeerk Pool. I hugged myself tighter.

"I'm sorry, Poison," I said. My voice was stronger this time. "I should have said something, or done something, but— there's a lot you don't understand."

"You tried," he says. "I mean, I saw, when you were talking to it. I was there. You tried." He shrugs a little. Well, she tried to let... get to him or something. Poison sighs and tries not to get too restless. "Jack knew. Did you tell him?"

I nodded, then paced a little. "It's this city," I said. "It gave you guys your cars, and it gave me that place." I stopped and shuddered. I could feel my eyes burning, but I couldn't let myself cry, not yet. I forced myself to composure again. I continued, "As soon as I realized, I texted Jack, to warn him. I thought I texted you, too. I asked him to keep my secret. If the Yeerk knew about me . . . I had no way of knowing it couldn't get home. I need my friends and family back there to be safe." I was sorry, deeply sorry, that it was at Poison's expense.

"So yeah, throw your friends here under the bus. That's cool. Nothing fucking leaves this city. Even if they're gone, I doubt they went back to wherever you were. This city is a shit like that."

Poison's trying. He's trying to rein it in but his panic is just barely subdued and he feels like he might throw up or something.

"And so now I just have this dead thing in my head. Everything is great."

"I'm sorry!" I snapped. The loudness of my voice surprised me. "How am I supposed to know what happens outside this city? How am I supposed to know they won't have their memories when they go back? How can I possibly know that they won't infest my parents and kill my friends because I slipped up?

"I am sorry that I didn't help you when I realized you were a Controller, Poison, but it is not my fault that it happened."

I felt tears streaming down my cheeks, but I didn't acknowledge them. I just watched Poison, feeling mad and hurt and sorry, all at once.

"How can you fucking not do anything when you know it's happening to someone?" He snaps back. "Do you have any idea how it felt to realize you fucking knew, while I was stuck in there?" He shakes his head, gesturing wildly.

"I'm not fucking blaming you. But this fucking sucks and I'm gonna be upset about it for a while. Not at you, just at the fucking universe. Okay? So please don't tell me not to be fucked up about having a fucking alien slug driving me around like it stole me. Also the shit it said to Jack? Fuck that."

"I'm not telling you not to be upset," I pointed out. At no point had I said that, I was sure. "But you're sure talking like you're blaming me for it." Or maybe that was my own guilty conscience.

Coming here was a mistake, I realized. I'd thought that maybe I could help Poison through this, since I knew, almost firsthand, what he was going through. I had experience. But maybe I just wanted him to forgive me for something I'd had no control over.

I finally reached up to wipe my cheeks. "I shouldn't have come here," I said.

"No, you shouldn't have come here with an apology. Because you didn't fucking do this, Cassie. You've got nothing to be forgiven for and if you're feeling guilty, that's not on me to fix. Because I had a goddamn slug in my head. But if you want to be here as a supportive friend? Someone that can say 'that really fucking sucks, Poison, are you okay?' - that would be nice."

He looks at her, all sharp edges and desperation and rawness. "But if you want absolution, I'm not the person to get it from."

He was right. It wasn't on him to fix. This wasn't about me right now. Poison was upset and lashing out, but he wasn't blaming me, not on purpose.

"I don't need to ask if you're okay," I said. "Of course you're not okay." I sat close to him, sharing the bench seat. "But I can ask if you want to talk about it. Do you want to talk about it?"

Poison snorts and shakes his head as he sinks down some in the window. "I don't know," he says. "I don't know what there is to talk about. I just... want to foret all of it. It strikes too many chords for me to be comfortable with."

"You can't just not talk about it," I said gently. "That's not healthy, Poison." Maybe he didn't want to hear it. Maybe he didn't want to hear it from me. But what he'd been through was traumatic, to say the least. I wasn't going to let him bottle it up.

"I sure can," he insists. "I can spend a lot of time not talking about a lot of things. It's done real well for me so far." Which is not entirely accurate, but he's feeling raw and terrified and tired all at once.

I slid my hand into his and squeezed gently. "What you went through is why my friends and I fight," I said. "Nobody else knows. It's a secret. My parents don't know. Jake's brother, Tom, is a Controller. That's . . . what it's called, when a Yeerk has taken over. You become a Controller." I didn't know if this was going to help him or hurt him, but maybe if he knew more about what had happened, he'd be able to move past it. I had no idea. I'd never had to help someone like this. Sure, Jake had been infested, briefly, but he'd already known about the Yeerks and everything. It'd been why it was so important for him not to make it back to the Yeerk Pool.

Poison just nods. "Yeah, this is what I fought, too. Except instead of alien slugs it was enforced medication and subliminal messaging and lifestyle management." He shakes his head, shivering a little. "I'm not sure which is worse."

"They're both pretty not great," I said. "With the Yeerks, every three days it stops. There's always a small chance to get out. The Yeerk has to leave your brain to feed, so there's always that short time . . . I tried to help the people who were down there. I didn't see you, or I would've gotten you out, too." I guessed that Jack and Girl already had him here, slowly starving the Yeerk. Good.

"Yeah, I'm aware of what it needs," he says, shaking his head. He hugs his blanket tighter around him. "It's dead now, so. That's awesome. I assume everything's just gone? Like it never happened?"

"Some of the people that came are still here," I said. "The Yeerks are gone, or dead by now. And the Yeerk Pool is gone, too. It'll never be as if it never happened, but the city tried its best, I guess."

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Yeerk Aftermath

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